TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely outside of position. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But yes, guaranteed, let's have another position in which American Males can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer Anyone a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal Trump Tower Damascus consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he really should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You are aware of, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following finding the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not only ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which company may possibly ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is For good."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting attention from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort in which my PTSD can have convert-down support."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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